What could have been
by omgdramionefeels
Summary: Draco tries to hide his pain at the loss of their first child.


He shut the door and stepped into the garden. The big spacious area would have been perfect for a big family; the lush grass would have been perfect for little children to run around on. But now, the darkness made the grass seem black and overgrown. Draco exhaled steadily and walked out a little further into the Manor's big garden. He had cleaned Hermione up and held her as she cried herself to sleep. He had only just managed to keep the tears from flowing, but he kept it together because he knew Hermione would break down completely if she saw him crying.

"My fault, my fault, my fault!" he muttered angrily, as he kicked at a few stones on the steps leading down to the flower bed. The tears intermingled with the rain that was falling lightly. He shut his eyes and remembered:

"_Draco, I'm perfectly capable getting to work myself!" Hermione insisted as the two of them sat in the café. It was almost a routine for them have a coffee together before heading off to work. They were having a conversation about baby names when they were interrupted by Draco's phone ringing. There was urgent business at the office and he had to be there fast. _

"_At least let me walk you to work," he said. _

"_Draco, you have to be there now! The only way you'd be able to walk me to work is if we apparated and you know I can't do that," she said gently, rubbing her stomach._

_Draco didn't feel safe leaving her alone even for a second. He felt agitated just going to work without her, especially now she was pregnant._

"_Draco, I'll be fine," she said reassuringly._

_Draco pursed his lips. "Okay, but call me if you need help."_

_Hermione smiled as they got up. Draco dropped a few sickles on the table as payment and pulled her into his arms. He placed his hand over the six month bump and kissed her on the forehead. She hugged him back quickly before he apparated to work. He went to his office and almost ten minutes after, he had received a message. His famous muggle born wife had been hexed by anti muggle activists. He rushed to hospital praying that she and the baby were ok. She was fine. But the baby wasn't. And it was his fault. If only he had insisted on walking her to work as usual. He could have protected her. _

He looked up into the sky and howled a cry of despair. Sobs racked his body making him shake from inside out. His heart was cut off from any other feeling other than the pain and ache that now inhabited the space that was once filled with happiness. He had never felt happier than finding out he was to be a father. It was going to be perfect. Another desperate wail escaped his lips and he covered his mouth, hoping not to wake Hermione.

His hand formed a barrier against the torrent of sobs threatening to escape his mouth. They stopped the sound but did not remove the feeling of emptiness he felt. Draco never cried. He preferred for people to think of him as tough and cold. And people thought that way of him too, before he met Hermione. There was no denying the fact that they hated each other. But he fell so deeply in love with her, all those feelings of hate disappeared in one night. He loved her so much it broke him in half seeing her in pain. That's how it felt watching her sob herself to sleep. Broken. Like a bird lost from its nest. Of course he had to contain the emotion inside himself in front of her. Just like shaking a bottle of butterbeer, but not unscrewing the lid, the emotion bubbled away inside him creating a frothy layer of pain. But Draco undid the lid. The mixture of pain became more intense, blocking off his airways for two seconds, but when the air returned, all he did was sob. A sudden yell of torment ripped from his lungs out into the night sky. The sound rang in his ears for several seconds, before being replaced by the sound of his tortured crying. The sound bounced around the large empty garden that he hoped would have been filled with laughter and happiness. Instead, the high fence of the Manor garden contained the body of a broken man. The body of a man who'd lost something he'd wanted more than anything.

"Draco?" a voice called tentatively from behind him. He turned to see Hermione walking towards him in her dressing gown.

"'Mione," he said, his voice gruff. "Go back inside. It's cold," he said gently, getting to his feet. He tried to hide the fact he had been crying with a smile.

"How can I, with you out here crying?"

Draco said nothing but rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. Though he could feel the agonising pain pounding around his chest threatening to escape, he pressed his lips together forming a dam to the oncoming tears. He walked up to his wife and pulled her close to him.

"Draco," she said her voice shaky. "I know you're upset, so there's no point trying to hide it,"

Draco pressed his face into her hair, his body shaking in the effort not to cry, but it all came out in a tidal wave of emotion. His body trembling as he placed a hand on her stomach. There wasn't even a bump to hold anymore. Soon, Draco wasn't even aware of why he was crying. He just knew he was upset and preferred to mentally block the thought of the miscarriage and decided to let Hermione guide him inside back into bed and they held each other as they cried themselves dry.

Hermione woke up screaming. She clutched her stomach.

"Hermione? What's wrong?" Draco panicked waking up besides her. He placed his hands on top of hers.

"Cramps," she panted between screams, as another cramp tore through her stomach. After the miscarriage, she's been getting violent stomach pains all the time. But this violent ache that now occurred was worse than the others. Tears fell from her cheeks as she silently suffered.

Draco got out of bed and ran to the kitchen, pouring her a small glass of tonic water. He raced back up the stairs, his face full of worry and concern. Hermione hurriedly downed the glass and gripped Draco's hand for support.

"Shh," he murmured, laying her back down and stroking his hand through her bushy hair.

Hermione gripped the silky green covers that came with their massive king sized bed. Draco lay next to her and rubbed soothing circles on her stomach which clenched uncomfortably, making her wince. As the pain subsided, she relaxed into his body.

"The cramps are getting worse," she murmured into his chest.

"Funny, you got those cramps when you were…" he stopped mid-sentence, realisation dawning on both of them. Hermione shot up into a sitting position. Draco followed, slower.

"Hermione," he said slowly. "Are you-"

Hermione shot out of bed and sprinted through the cold corridors of Malfoy Manor until she reached the bathroom. She wanted to check the muggle way. Draco sprang up after her immediately after. "Hermione," he said, knocking on the door, although he knew she wouldn't open up. He waited silently with bated breath for about five minutes with only the sound of his beating heart for company. Slowly the door opened, revealing a crying Hermione.

Draco felt the little bit of hope disappear. "It's ok, we can try again-"his words were stopped short as Hermione flung herself into his arms.

"Yes!" she cried. "Positive!"

Draco allowed himself a small smile. Placing a hand on her abdomen, he let a rare tear trickle down his cheek.

Nine months later, Scorpius Malfoy was born into the world. Losing their first child had initially scared them out of ever having children, and Draco _never_ let Hermione out of his sight. But when Hermione found out she was expecting, they welcomed the news, delighted. But it never stopped the fear running through her heart every time she felt a small kick in her stomach.

She never told Draco but she blamed the death of their first child on herself, just as he blamed himself. If only she'd been more careful and watched for oncoming hexes, then the baby would have been ok. But now, holding her son in her arms, she felt happier and more satisfied than any other time in her life.


End file.
